You're My Idiot
by Mrs.AliceKirkland-Jones
Summary: America does some pretty stupid stuff a lot. Here's a collection of how England reacts to these things. Nyotalia, Hetalia, Mixed, AU. Requests are always welcome. Rating may go up.
1. You're Not You When You're Hungry

It was a normal, boringly chaotic world meeting.

England and France were at each others throats once again, France having said something offensive to the English culture, as usual. The two men- children, really- were on the floor, bumps and bruises covering them. The marks would be gone within a day or so, so there wasn't really any need to worry about the minor wounds they continued to cause each other.

Yelling curses and pulling hair, the two had been brawling it out for close to five minutes. Most of the nations tended to just tune them out, turning away to retreat into their own conversations.

Germany was beginning to lose her temper. Well, she had begun to lose her temper a good minute after they started, but since then it had increased.

This was outrageous.

The two were such… such _children! _The German rubbed her pounding temples, trying so hard not to yell. She focused her attention on the story her rambunctious Italian friend was telling her.

* * *

Good god France was irritating. He constantly insulted the Brit, and he'd had just about enough of it!

Charging him had seemed like the right thing to do at the time.

England threw a particularly hard punch at the Frenchman's gut, who narrowly dodged it.

"Angleterre, what was with that weak punch? I know you can hit better than that!" Francis taunted the Brit. The punch, in reality, probably would have hurt him quite badly and maybe bruised his stomach, but it was just so fun to piss the little Brit off!

"Shut the bloody fuck up you frog! I could kill you if I wanted to!" Arthur was _furious. _How dare Francis insult his fighting!

There was an annoyingly loud laugh let out by everyone's favorite American as he moved closer to the brawling pair. England grimaced, earning himself a yank to the hair.

"Ow! Damn you, you shite!" He howled, flipping back around to his offender. "Francis, I'm going to bloody kill you!"

"Just you try!" The Frenchmen grinned.

Arthur charged.

* * *

Alfred hefted his struggling boyfriend into his strong arms, lifting him from off the Frenchman beneath him.

"Alfred! Let me go, you prat!" He struggled, kicking and screaming.

So ungentlemanly.

America laughed his loud, aggravating laugh, ignoring the red-faced Brit in his grip.

"Babe, you need to calm down." He grinned, setting Arthur on his feet. He shuffled around in his pocket for a minute, his other arm wrapped around the English nation's waist, who huffed and crossed his arms.

"Bloody idiots, all of you." He grumbled, looking away with a scowl.

"Here, babe." Alfred held his newly found prize to his boyfriend. "Have a Snickers. You're not you when you're hungry."

Silence. Complete and utter silence.

Arthur stared at the candy, his arms going limp, his head slowly rising to meet Alfred's eyes.

"Excuse me?" Everyone held their breath at England's quiet voice.

Alfred smiled goofily down at Arthur, oblivious of what was to come.

* * *

Alfred's eye would probably be purple for at least a week, but the bloody idiot deserved it! Making a fool out of England! The great British Empire! A former pirate!

The poor fool never learned, did he?

He knew better than to do such thing. He _knew_ Arthur didn't like to be embarrassed!

What an… What an _asshole!_

But he was Arthur's asshole, and, he supposed, he could live with that.


	2. Baby Names - (Prequel to The Zoo)

"Eleanor?"

"Not my favorite, but it's not the worst. How about Maybelle?"

"No, that's… Just no. Caroline?"

"That's not completely horrible… Maybe a middle name for that one, then…. Do you like… Oh, I don't know, Annabelle?" A tan, freckled nose wrinkled in disgust.

"Babe, that's awful."

"Fine then! I happen to like that name!" A scowl and a fury of scribbling noises ensued as the name was crossed off the list. "Elizabeth?" A thoughtful stare and a rub to a barely fuzzy chin.

"Yeah, I like that one. Let's hold on to it. Do you like Jane?"

"I do."

"So that's a yes then." Alfred muttered, circling the name on his own paper. "I have Emily? Do you like that one?"

"I do like that one, actually. I think Emily is a beautiful name." Alice smiled, running her hands over her extended belly. She was about five months along and only had a small bump where their baby girl peacefully resided. Alfred grinned, setting his notepad down on the side table, shifting so he was leaning over the bump, his nose squished against it. He cooed softly, placing both of his hands on the protruding flesh, covered by a pink, flowery sundress and a thin white sweater.

"Hi baby~" He grinned, nuzzling his nose onto Alice's baby haven. Alice chuckled, running her fingers through his wheat blond hair. Alfred tilted his head, grinning warmly at his wife. He hummed, a giggle sliding up his throat. Alice rolled her eyes, smiling kindly.

"I love you, Ally~"

"I love you too, Alfie."

Staring into each others eyes, Alfred rose to meet her face to face. He kissed her gently, deeply, Alice kissing back with just as much emotion. Her hands tangled into his hair, massaging gently, Alfred's own stroking his wife's pale face. Breaking the kiss slowly, Alfred stared into Alice's glossy green eyes, filled with unshed tears.

"Whatcha cryin' for, baby?" He smiled, his voice soft. He played with her long, blonde, pigtailed hair in attempt at comfort.

"I just- I just love you _so _much!" She sobbed, pulling him towards her in a crushing hug. He squeaked as he was pressing into her full breast, his face squished and adorably red.

"B-Babe yer hurtin' me…" The words came out muffled, Alice almost unable to hear him due to her wails. She let go, wrapping her arms around his stomach instead of suffocating him, her tears near soaking his cotton Superman t-shirt. Alfred chuckled, petting her hair. "It's okay baby~ Stop cryin', sugar." His comfort only served to make her cry harder. She mumbled a string of 'I love you' s, Alfred still playing with the ends of her hair.

"I love you too, sweetheart." She hiccuped, her sobs finally subsiding. She squeezed tightly around his waist, nuzzling her face into his toned abdomen.

"Sit with me," she mumbled softly, tired from her upset. Alfred complied, sliding into the spot next to her on the couch. He looped one arm around her shoulders, resting his cheek on her head. Her head rested on his shoulder, her hands looped with his free one. Alfred hummed a tune gently, moving his thumb rhythmically against her arm. He would put her to sleep if he continued.

"Alfred," she yawned. "We still haven't picked a name." Her eyelids drooped, and she snuggles deeper into him.

"We can decide later. Just go to sleep." She nodded, her eyes finally slipping shut, her posture slackening. Her breathing evened out within the minute, Alfred still humming his song and rubbing her arm.


End file.
